Here at Monkey Towers, we have been measured on the issue of Damian Green’s arrest. While we have observed many rantings about how “MPs should be sacrosanct and what’s wrong with grooming?” - we have preferred to wait until the Police have determined whether or not a crime has been committed, and if so, who is the criminal. After that time there will be plenty of opportunity for recrimination.

However, though one supports the presumption of innocence for MPs as much as for any member of the public (not more so), I’m quite sure that illiciting unpublished information from civil servants, through coercion, “grooming” or by other means, can be described as espionage.

And I’m not certain that the law distinguishes between those people who can legitimately encourage civil servants to breach confidence and those who cannot.

And let’s make this clear, just because someone’s a Tory politician, it doesn’t mean we can GUARANTEE that they are not or have not ever been a terrorist.

Who said on April 30 2003:

“This government leak is a transparent political ploy and a cynical piece of buck-passing”

and subsequently complained to the then Cabinet Secretary, Sir Andrew Turnbull, demanding a formal investigation?

Yep!

Q. Who put up VAT from 15% to 17.5% to pay for the fall out from the poll tax and then put VAT on domestic heating and fuel?

A. Here’s a picture clue.

Recess Monkey readers wishing to absorb the wisdom of Lansley will be disappointed, his recent blog-post on the benefits of recession having mysteriously disappeared.

However, two enterprising Monkeys produced these videos today (to the same brief)

Do let me know which one you prefer and I shall sell the loser to a cheap Soho restaurant.

And for your enjoyment…

Gag over now i believe… walk away… nothing to see here

Tory Shadow Health secretary Andrew Lansley has let the cat out of the bag, explaining why Tory policy is to do NOTHING about the looming recession. According to Lansley, “Recession can be good for us”.

The man who wants to be health secretary is urging the government to extend mental health services because of an expected increase in mental health disorders by 2010 due to the economy. But on the up side, we are more likely to “smoke less, drink less alcohol, eat less rich food and spend more time at home with [our] families”. And I can’t fault the guy, if you lose your job, you do get more time with your family as well as fewer nights out and resaurant dinners.

I’m sure the sight of Lansley wandering down the dole queues whistling “always look on the bright side of life” will make everyone feel a bit better.

It’s no surprise that few of those who think unemployment is a price worth paying actually face unemployment.

MPs Paul Flynn and Derek Wyatt have incurred the wrath of the Palace of Westminster authorities by…

…being political on their websites.

Shouldn’t someone mention to them that this is called POLITICS and is normally conducted by POLITICIANS.

Recess hears the Cappuccino Office Minister Liam Byrne (and all round good guy) is looking for a new press secretary. (in fact, it’s 12.39 so he’s probably reading this post while supping on his Oxtail Cup-a-Soup.)

The ad says: “You will be 100% dedicated to your role and will become the Minister’s right hand man, responding to briefs in a timely, professional and accurate manner.”

It’ll be a tough job because when it comes to giving witty replies, the bar’s been set pretty high.

Any budding applicant will have some way to go to beat the reply from Liam’s “spokesman” to the original story.

“He is a highly efficient Minister but has become more flexible since then.

“Some days, he has his soup at 1.30pm.”

Classic!

John Sergeant is quitting Strictly Come Dancing

Statement from John Sergeant:

“I am sorry to say I have decided to leave Strictly Come Dancing. It was always my intention to have fun on the show and I was hoping to stay in as long as possible. The trouble is that there is now a real danger that I might win the competition. Even for me that would be a joke too far. I would like to thank Christina and all those viewers who have been rooting for me through the series.”

Statement from Jay Hunt, Controller, BBC One:

“John has told us of this plans to leave Strictly Come Dancing and we are very sad to see him go. He has been an entertaining contestant and is hugely popular with the viewers. We would have liked him to stay but we respect his decision to leave. John and Kristina will be performing a farewell dance this Saturday on the show.”

But will they take the opportunity to replace him with Lord Mandelson?

Recess Monkey isn’t foolish enough to publish the BNP membership list, risking the wrath of court injunctions and data protection law.

But if you want to know the scumminess of your local area, perhaps this map will come in handy?